the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
