dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
