if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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