I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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