If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
