From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
