My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
