1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
