So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
