i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
