You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
