Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Your dad touched me again.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
