You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
