hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Someone signed my nipple.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
