you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
