she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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