she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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