I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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