No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Your dad touched me again.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
