I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
