look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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