He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
