I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
