She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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