I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
