the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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