the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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