I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
