I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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