it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize