My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
