i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
