I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize