I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
