he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize