There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
