peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize