he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
