yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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