yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
