last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
