mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Randomize
