Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
