he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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