Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
