she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She bit a glass in half.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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