I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
