remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
it was like having sex with a tree stump
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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