I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
