i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
