Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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