Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
