My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
