Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
