Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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