I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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