It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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