mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize