Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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