your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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