I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
